Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize