I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
