you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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