Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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