Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
