your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
