Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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