So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
