This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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