I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
