"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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