The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize