he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
