the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
