I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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