I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
