True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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