I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
