I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
