Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
