I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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