Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
