I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
