He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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