im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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