rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize