So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
