On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
