I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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