you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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