You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
