So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
