Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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