saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
