can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
