i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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