census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
