yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
