I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
