he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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