Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
