dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
