The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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