i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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