I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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