his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
