i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
