why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
