Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
