shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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