how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
