I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize