I think my fart just growled at me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my being single is dangerous.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
