i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
