I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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