I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
