I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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