Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
