Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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