I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
