My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
