Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
