It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
