Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
